Wednesday was a VERY rough day for me. I was in a great deal of pain all day. I think the reality of what I am going through finally started to kick in. In addition - I am tired of hurting. All this caused me to have a very hard day. I cried off and on all day. The kiddos at school think I have very bad allergies and I just let them think that. I tried all day to just focus on them, but it was so hard - I was hurting and that was all I could focus on. Then I went to therapy - pain meds either did not work as well or I started off in more pain - but it was a very painful session.
Thursday was better. If I kept my arm in one position it did not hurt as bad. I looked funny - kinda like I as saying the pledge of alligiance all day - but I did not care - I was not hurting as bad. Then at 2:20 it started. My kiddos had worked hard all day and got everything done I had planned so we had time to go to free choice stations (new name for centers).
Three boys were playing with magnets when B. got tickled about something. He started giggling and could not stop. His smile was so bright that it was lighting up the whole room. Then the other two started giggling. It was the most wonderful sight. Three boys without a care in the world just giggling. I started to smile and just watch them for a while. Their giggles were so contagious. Then I found myself starting to giggle. I began to feel something I had not felt in a while - JOY! I have been in pain for so long that I lost my smile, laughter, giggles, and JOY!
It happened so gradually that I did not notice. That is often how satan works - you don't change over night - it is a gradual process. I was so focused on myself and my pain that I could not think of others. I felt as if I were going into survival mode instead of living the life I have been Called to live. I was slowly allowing satan a foothold into my life. God, however, can change you in a moment - a 5 year old boy giggling moment. He reminded me in that moment that He is in control of everything and that He will hold my hand in the painful times. If I will quit focusing on myself, live the life He has called me to and allow Him - He will help me help me see JOY in my struggles.